In the first six weeks, I've experienced the following:
Confidence:
For the first two weeks, there were no students at the school. I was merely sitting in PD, learning how to run reports, and building relationships with adults. I felt productive and accomplished, handling my work like a boss.
Frustration:
Working at a co-located school with dysfunctional relationships between administrators had me feeling frustrated about not having access to things that I considered basic: classroom keys, parking keys, elevator keys. The lights and air conditioning units in the rooms worked when they wanted to, and there was no sense of urgency in getting these things fixed. We are now six weeks into the school year, and the teachers on the second floor still don't have classroom keys, and the lights and the AC still don't work. The way the power dynamics work here, our particular school is "borrowing" the site, and we don't really have the authority to demand that things get fixed.
Horror:
In the first three weeks of school, there were five fights between students. I was horrified at the ways in which students disregarded and disrespected the staff of the school, ignoring them or cussing them out. It was common for students to run out of the classroom without permission, and sit angrily on the stairs.
Regret:
I want out! This place is out of control. What have I done? Did I make a huge mistake? I left a school I loved for this?! I gave up my comfortable district salary, benefits, and teaching schedule for this?! I don't think I'll make it through the school year...
Hope:
After four weeks with students, we've managed to gain their trust, build rapport, and cut down on some of the conflict, tardies, and disrespect towards adults. I'm able to see beyond the rage and tough exteriors of the students - and can see their self-doubt, their desire to be inspired, and their ability to change the world. There's a lot of good work to be done here - I can do this!
My feelings started to turn around after the second week with students - I developed relationships with them, and developed respect for their wit, their entrepreneurial spirits, their leadership potential, and their ability to speak out. I also read A LOT - I immersed myself in books that filled me with hope. My reading list included:
1) Pushout: The Criminalization of Black Girls in School - This book reminded me that black girls' voices and bodies are judged harshly, and that their ability to lead and self-advocate is rarely nurtured. Respect is not automatically given to them, and they have learned to demand it.
2) Motivating Black Males to Achieve in School & Life - This was a quick read that gave really practical advice to educators: listen to and appreciate the music your students love; go on community walks and learn about the community you are serving; seek out positive role models that reflect the students' racial identities; establish young men and women's empowerment groups; be able to SEE your students achieving greatness.
3) The Bridge to Brilliance - A school principal's struggle to build a school that teaches and inspires working class black and brown youth to succeed. I cried as I read it, relating to the struggle of inspiring youth that carry so much trauma and rage.
